


Burden Of Ghosts

by serenityabrin



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nightmares, Referenced Death of Children
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-20
Updated: 2018-03-20
Packaged: 2019-04-05 01:40:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14033385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/serenityabrin/pseuds/serenityabrin
Summary: The Clone Wars left its mark on all of them.





	Burden Of Ghosts

**Author's Note:**

  * For [kurage_hime](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kurage_hime/gifts).



Sightless eyes snapping open, Kanan's heart hammered in his chest.  Panic strangled the air in his throat, and he struggled to calm down.

Turning over, he sought the familiar warmth of Obi-Wan's body to remind himself that it was only a dream.  It was over.  Grey and Styles weren't hunting him anymore.  Kanan wasn't a little boy anymore.  He was safe with Rex and Obi-Wan.

Burying his nose into Obi-Wan's shoulder, Kanan focused on breathing slowly and willed his body to relax.  Muscles tense with alarm slowly loosened, leaving Kanan feeling unsteady and restless.  He tightened his hold on Obi-Wan, needing to feel grounded.

It was a minute before he finally felt enough like himself to rest his head against Obi-Wan's chest and try to go back to sleep.

Something was wrong though.  Beneath his ear, Obi-Wan's heart beat too quickly.  It wasn't racing as Kanan's had been, but it wasn't relaxed the way it should have been either.  Shifting his head, Kanan used the Force to see Obi-Wan frowning in his sleep.

Thinking that he was the cause of Obi-Wan's unease, Kanan sought their bond and focused on the affection he felt for his Master.  Sending that emotion through their bond was usually enough to alleviate minor restlessness, but tonight Obi-Wan's disquiet remained.

An unhappy murmur drew Kanan's attention to the other side of the bed where Rex was also curled up against Obi-Wan.  The energy Kanan could feel from him was tense, and Kanan realized that Obi-Wan was actually picking up on whatever was bothering Rex's sleep.

Intending to use the Force to soothe him, Kanan reached out to touch Rex's head.  The instant he did, Rex bolted awake and flinched back violently, his arm tightening reflexively where it was holding Obi-Wan and yanking him awake in the process.

"Rex?" Kanan asked softly.

Rex's breathing was rapid in the dark room, and he did not answer.

"Rex?" Obi-Wan sounded confused and sleepy.  He turned in Rex's hold, letting Rex clutch him tight.

Remembering he needed a moment to calm down after his own nightmare, Kanan remained quiet.  He shifted up so that he was sitting with his leg pressed against Obi-Wan's back, and waited anxiously for Rex to relax.

It was a tense minute before Rex's breathing settled.  "Rex?" Obi-Wan asked.  "Are you okay?"

Rex grumbled something unintelligible, burying his head into the crook of Obi-Wan's neck.

"What happened?" Obi-Wan asked.

"That was me," Kanan said.  "I noticed he was having a nightmare.  When I tried to calm him, I guess I startled him awake.  Sorry, Rex."

Not lifting his head, Rex muttered, "It's fine."

Obi-Wan waved a hand, and Kanan could feel the light on his skin as Obi-Wan used the Force to brighten the room.  "Nightmare?  What kind of nightmare?"

Still using the Force to observe his lovers, Kanan saw Rex answer by shaking his head.  He had yet to loosen his hold on Obi-Wan even a fraction.

After studying Rex for a moment, Obi-Wan twisted his neck to look at Kanan.  "And why were you awake to notice Rex's nightmare?"

Kanan hesitated, considering not answering honestly.  But he could feel Obi-Wan's focus on him, and he knew dissembling would only earn him more scrutiny.  Mumbling, he said, "I had a nightmare too."

There was a noticeable pause before Obi-Wan tentatively said, "This is hardly the first time for any of us.  Perhaps it's time we discussed what keeps us up at night?"

Finally, Rex lifted his head to look Obi-Wan in the eyes.  "And if we do that, are you going to open up too?"

"Rex . . ."

"No, if you're not going to do it, I don't see why I should."

"It is all or nothing, Master," Kanan said softly.

Obi-Wan sighed.  "Very well.  I doubt we'll solve all our problems in a night anyway."  He turned in Rex's arms so that he was looking at Kanan.  Rex also shifted so that he could more comfortably hold Obi-Wan while looking over his shoulder at Kanan.  "You woke first.  What did you dream?"

This wasn't a conversation Kanan was keen on.  His nightmare was still fresh in his system.  He could feel the remaining adrenaline close to the surface, ready to start his heart racing again.

Taking a steadying breath, he took a moment to put his fears aside and focus on the here and now.  Rex and Obi-Wan were right beside him.  His years on the run were over.

"It wasn't a specific memory.  It was just . . . after Order 66, Grey and Styles were always breathing down my neck, always a day behind me.  I learned to sleep with my eyes open, and it never felt like enough.  They haven't been an issue for me for years but . . . they were the face for the faceless Empire hunting me and the remains of the Republic that turned against us, I guess.  Some nights, I still feel . . ."

Small, helpless, vulnerable, alone.  Kanan couldn't say it but the feeling was there all the same.

"Hunted?" Obi-Wan offered, and Kanan nodded since that was good enough.

Beyond Obi-Wan, Kanan felt Rex's energy darken.  "I know it wasn't you, Rex."

"It doesn't matter." Rex's tone was bitter.  "It wasn't just Grey and Styles.  It was all of them.  Clones used to be heroes fighting for freedom, and then flip a switch and we're oppressors.  We bought into the rhetoric that we were better because we were flesh and blood, but in the end, we were merely droids."

"Don't talk like that." Obi-Wan turned in Rex's arms to cup his face.  "You and your brothers _were_ heroes.  You still are.  You're still fighting for people's freedoms.  You were failed.  The Jedi should've seen what was going on."  Now it was Obi-Wan whose energy turned sad as he looked away.  "The Council should have seen it.  We should have stopped it."

"How?" Rex demanded.  Kanan could feel his frustration.  "Palpatine held all the cards.  He knew everything you knew _and_ everything the Separatists did.  We had chips in our heads from the very beginning, long before anyone was even talking about war."

"We should have sensed it," Obi-Wan said.  "The clues were there.  Jango told me that Tyranus recruited him to be the Clone Template, and we learned that Dooku was Tyranus before the war ended.  Dooku himself told me that there was a Sith in the Senate, but I refused to believe that."

"And Fives said that the chips were there to kill the Jedi," Rex growled.  "But I didn't do anything about that."

Kanan listened to their argument silently, startled by what he was hearing but also soaking in this rare openness from his lovers.  Obi-Wan was rarely so candid about his thoughts, and Rex was rarely so introspective.

"You took your chip out," Obi-Wan said.

"And what good did that do?  I have exactly two brothers left out of millions.  All the rest are dead or might as well be.  The Jedi are gone and the Republic fell but I'm still here.  What good does that do?"

"You don't mean that."  Obi-Wan's tone was small.  In response, Kanan reached out to gently rub his back but still said nothing.

Rex sighed, brushing a kiss against Obi-Wan's temple.  "No, I don't.  But, General, you can't blame yourself.  It doesn't do any good."

"We can learn from our mistakes," Obi-Wan said.

"Sure, but that doesn't mean we need to be buried under them."  Rex cupped Obi-Wan's face and let his thumb caress his cheek.  "I can't have you beating yourself up over this.  Hasn't Palpatine taken enough from you already?  It's not your fault."

"But it is my fault!" Obi-Wan shifted in agitation, dislodging Kanan's hand in the process.  "I was on the Council.  I was responsible for all the Jedi under me, and I failed.  We made one bad decision after another, and justified to ourselves that we would make it right once the war was over.  We took the easy path, and everyone has suffered for it.  The Jedi were meant to protect the galaxy.  Everyone is paying for our mistakes."

"But it wasn't just your mistake." Rex sounded frustrated.  "The Jedi served the Senate.  How many times were you stymied in what you needed to do for the war because you couldn't get approval from the Senate?  How many times did we have to hold some Senator's hand through a battle zone?  You could do nothing that the Senate did not approve, and Palpatine owned the Senate."

"If we had just proven that he was the Sith Lord-"

"No one would have believed you.  _You_ couldn't believe that."

"And that was precisely where we failed.  We should have seen that.  He was right under our noses.  We should have realized who he was and arrested him."

"The chips were already in our heads.  He was the Chancellor.  We were designed to obey his word first.  He would've implemented Order 66 earlier and the only difference is that I would be the one to gun you down!" Rex's voice shook with emotion.  Kanan was stunned, never having witnessed Rex like this before.

Obi-Wan reeled back in surprise.  "Rex . . ."

Rex took a deep breath to calm himself.  Quieter, he said, "I don't want to hear it was your fault.  The Sith are the ones to blame.  Only them."

Gently, Obi-Wan reached out to caress Rex's face.  "Rex, what happened . . . The Clones aren't to blame."

"But the Jedi are?" Rex sounded tired.  "We Clones are Sith creations.  The galaxy would be better off if none of us had ever been made."

Obi-Wan's eyes widened in horror, but Kanan finally interjected himself into their argument before Obi-Wan could respond.  "Rex, Palpatine may have used the Clones against the Jedi but you and your brothers are far better men than most people in this galaxy."

Rex's energy turned sour, and Kanan was sure Rex was scowling at him.  "You were just telling us about the Clones hunting you down."

"But that's not my only nightmare.  That is what we're supposed to be talking about here, right?  The things that keep us up at night.  Well, you know what else haunts my dreams?  Stance's death."

Unexpectedly worked up, Kanan took a deep breath to calm down before continuing in a calmer tone.  "Stance was my friend.  He was the first friend I made among my Master's troops.  He was green like me but when I was shot on the battlefield, he disobeyed direct orders so he could keep me safe until the battle was over.  He earned his name on my account.  And he died in my arms."

Turning his head away, Kanan said softly, "I still remember it as vividly as if it happened yesterday.  He took an electro blade to the chest while covering me.  If he hadn't been there, I probably would've been the one who was stabbed.  He saved me again."

Kanan was quiet for a moment, recalling the grief and shock of that moment.  Shaking away the memory, Kanan turned his attention back to his lovers. "Grey and Styles haunt me because my whole world turned upside down and I didn't know what to do, where to go, or who to turn to.  They haunt me because they weren't like that when I knew them.  They were like Stance.  They were my friends.  And then they weren't."

Kanan leaned across Obi-Wan to grab Rex's arm.  "But that wasn't their choice.  I know that.  I was so confused and frightened because it seemed like the Troopers I knew had been completely replaced by evil copies.  The Grey and Styles I fought with would have died for Master Billaba.  That was their true selves.  They didn't have chips in their heads telling them to be loyal to her.  They _chose_ that."

Kanan let his hand slide up Rex's arm to his neck.  "Just as you choose to be here with us now."

Kanan couldn't see Rex's expression but he heard how he sighed.  He felt the way the tense muscles loosened under his hand.  Rex freed one of his hands from around Obi-Wan to cup Kanan's cheek and pull him in for a kiss.

"You shouldn't have had to go through any of that," he said when they parted.

"None of us should have," Kanan responded.  Rex seemed to have no reply to that.

They were all silent for a minute.  Kanan shifted to settle more comfortably against his lovers while Obi-Wan reached up to gently pet Kanan's hair.

Quietly, Obi-Wan said, "Kanan has told us his nightmare.  What about you, Rex?  What woke you up tonight?"

Rex's whole body went tense again, and Kanan could feel the Force around him twist in response to his emotions.  It was clear that whatever haunted his dreams was still very much with him.

Given his reaction, Kanan was honestly surprised when Rex finally said, "Geonosis."

"Geonosis?  The battle?" Kanan could hear the frown in Obi-Wan's voice.

"Yeah, when we were sent to retake it." Rex sounded gruff and uncomfortable, clearly not wanting to talk about this at all.

Obi-Wan's energy turned sympathetic.  "I remember our losses were heavy."

"Our losses were heavy everywhere," Rex said grimly.

The way he said it made Kanan suspect that it wasn't the losses that gave him nightmares.  "What happened on Geonosis?"

Rex's answer was merely to shake his head.

After a moment's hesitation, Obi-Wan said, "Was this about the wall?  Anakin told me about that-"

"It wasn't the fucking wall," Rex ground out.  The heat of his glare was strong in the Force as he turned it on both Jedi.  "Although, if either of you try that on me, _we will be having words_."

His pronouncement was dark with warning, but it would have been more effective if Kanan knew what wall they were talking about, which he didn't.

The pronouncement also seemed lost on Obi-Wan, who appeared to still be puzzling out what it could be.  "You weren't there for the brain parasites, right?  I admit that was more adventure than I cared to have again.  Was it Ahsoka's near miss?"

His tone was respectfully gentle.  Rex's words were clipped when he said, "No, it wasn't Ahsoka being buried alive, but thanks for reminding me of that."

"Well, was it-"

"It was you!" Rex snapped.

"Me?" Obi-Wan was clearly taken aback.

Rex sighed.  "You almost died."

"It wasn't that bad.  I only-"

"You couldn't stand!" Rex interrupted angrily.  "Not even when you debriefed us on taking out the shield generators.  Don't tell me that it wasn't serious."

"But it wasn't." Obi-Wan's tone was gentle.  "It was a bad crash but I survived it.  I was only out of commission for a week."

Rex did not respond right away, and Kanan doubted he could read Rex's expression even if he could still see.

Finally, Rex said softly, "Do you think it comforts me when you lie like this?"

"Lie?  I'm not lying-"

"You are." Rex's tone was still quiet.  "I know you don't mean to.  I know the lie you tell is as much to yourself as it is to me but, General, it's a lie all the same.  That's why it keeps me up at night.  Because it's never over."

"Never over?  I'm fine now, Rex.  That was a long time ago."

"Yeah, but what have you suffered in the meantime?  What will you tell us about?"

Obi-Wan was clearly unsettled by this line of questioning.  "There's nothing that-"

"There's always nothing, isn't there?  Except I've been in the trenches with you, General.  I know that what you consider to be 'nothing' is anything but.  So I can never trust that what you tell me is the whole truth.  I can never know if you're truly alright.  And that bothers me."

Rex nuzzled Obi-Wan's cheek, his tone sad now.  "I've always loved you.  I can't stand to see you hurt.  No one thought it mattered if Troopers knew anything beyond the battle-readiness of their Generals but I needed more than that.  I still need more than that."

"Rex . . ."

Sighing again, Rex pressed his forehead against Obi-Wan's.  "I know.  You're not built like that.  After all this time, I doubt you could change even if you wanted to.  If you Jedi aren't crazy from birth, the crazy is bred into you.  But you can't expect me to always be okay with it."

Obi-Wan apparently had no idea how to respond to that.  Kanan didn't either.  He had no idea Rex felt like that. 

They were quiet again, giving Rex whatever time he needed to reassure himself that Obi-Wan was okay.  Eventually, Rex lifted his head and focused on Obi-Wan.  "It's your turn, General.  Kanan and I have both told you about our nightmares.  What was the last nightmare you had about?"

Obi-Wan's unease was palpable, and Kanan wasn't surprised when he said, "Rex, I'm not sure that-"

"No, you agreed to open up.  It's only fair." There was a hint of steel in Rex's tone.  He was going to be stubborn on this point, Kanan could see.  Kanan wondered if Obi-Wan would be equally stubborn.  If it came down to a battle of wills, Kanan wasn't sure which of his lovers would win.

Obi-Wan glanced at Kanan before meeting Rex's gaze again.  "I'm not sure this is an appropriate time."

He didn't want Kanan to hear about it?  This surprised Kanan, who wondered what there could possibly be left that his Master wanted to protect him from.

Shaking his head, Rex said, "We're in this together.  All three of us.  Kanan's tough.  Whatever it is, he can hear it too.  He _should_ hear it too.  All or nothing."

Obi-Wan did not respond right away, but Kanan could feel in the Force that the fight had gone out of him.  His thoughts focused inward, doubtless calling up his last nightmare.  Kanan was surprised by the depth of sadness that washed through their bond.

Sliding down so Obi-Wan was completely bracketed by his lovers' bodies, Kanan curled his hand around the back of his Master's neck.  He let his thumb gently caress the skin there in a wordless gesture of comfort.

Obi-Wan glanced one last time at Rex, doubtless evaluating if he could get away with not opening up but Rex's energy was unyielding.

Looking sad, Obi-Wan turned onto his back so he could better look at Kanan.  "The message I sent.  The one telling you to go into hiding.  I sent it from the Temple."  Obi-Wan reached out to gently touch Kanan's cheek. "After the massacre."

Kanan could tell Obi-Wan was trying to hide just how deeply the hurt ran, and it broke Kanan's heart because what still came through their bond was just so sad.

"What did you see?" Rex asked quietly.

"You know what I saw." Obi-Wan's tone was hollow.

"I can guess what you saw." Rex's own tone was respectful but still quietly insistent.  "I can guess a million things that would haunt you from that day.  But I don't know which ones haunts your dreams."

Obi-Wan scowled but before he could say anything, Rex leaned it to kiss him gently.  When they parted, he added, "Which one I can make feel better."

"There's no making this better, Rex."

"That doesn't mean I can't try.  What did you see?"

It was clearly a struggle for Obi-Wan.  Kanan pressed a little closer, still trying to comfort without derailing this chance for his Master to open up.

In a whisper, Obi-Wan finally said, "The dead were everyone.  Clones.  Jedi.  No one was spared.  The old.  The young." Obi-Wan's breath hitched, and he turned to look at Kanan.  "They were all cut down and left lying where they fell."

Obi-Wan gave a humorless snort.  "I suppose there were just too many dead to deal with, but it looked so much like a battlefield.  Like the droids we'd blasted to pieces and left to be swept away into the garbage."

Closing his eyes, Obi-Wan said, "The younglings were grouped in little piles in the hallways.  They must have sought sanctuary with each other while the older Jedi were being cut down in front of them.  They died together at least."

It was clearly no comfort at all.

Kanan's mind went back to his friends.  Tai and Sammo were still at the Temple when Order 66 happened.  Caleb Dume had survived because of his Master's sacrifice but only barely.  There was no hope his friends had managed to escape.  No one escaped the slaughter. 

Kanan shied away from a lot of his old life.  He hadn't thought about his childhood friends in years.  Not because he didn't still care about them.  It was just too awful to really think about what their last minutes had been like.

The thought was in his head now though.  He understood why Obi-Wan would avoid telling him, but how much worse was it to have actually seen their bodies?  To have seen everyone they knew dead and their home drenched in blood.

Kanan wrapped his arms around Obi-Wan and held on tight.

In response, Obi-Wan wrapped one arm around Kanan to hold him back.  With the other hand, he ran his fingers through Kanan's long hair in a comforting gesture.

It occurred to Kanan then that this was backwards.  This was Obi-Wan's nightmare.  He should be the one being comforted, not Kanan.  Obi-Wan had that habit.  No matter what he was personally feeling, he always found a way to be there for Kanan or Rex or anyone who needed him.

Kanan decided Rex might have a point about Obi-Wan not opening up more when he was hurting.

Shifting so Obi-Wan could see his face clearly, Kanan said, "I'm glad you told me, Master."

"So am I," Rex said.  "I know it's not easy."

Obi-Wan only nodded.  Kanan could feel him boxing it back up again, and he searched for something to stop that.  "You know, I may not have been a youngling when Order 66 happened-"

He was stopped when both Obi-Wan and Rex snorted.  Gently, Obi-Wan cupped his cheek.  "You may have been a Padawan but you were very much a youngling still."

Kanan huffed at himself.  He remembered being so anxious to be a Padawan and get into the war, and then having to grow up so quickly after the Empire took over.  He'd felt so old but he realized that his friends had been his age and he considered them younglings.

Focusing back on Obi-Wan, Kanan said, "Well, I survived, didn't I?  Not all the younglings died with the Jedi."

Kanan could not see Obi-Wan's smile but he felt its warmth in the Force.  "That is true."

Speaking to both of his lovers, Kanan said, "Maybe you don't always feel it but I am glad you two survived."  He pressed a quick kiss to Obi-Wan's lips.  "My life would be much duller if I didn't have you two in it."

"Is that a plus?" Obi-Wan asked drolly.

"No, Kanan's right." Rex had never completely let go of Obi-Wan and now hugged him tight.  "You crazy Jedi turned me prematurely gray but I wouldn't have it any other way."

"I'm not taking the blame for that," Obi-Wan said.

"I would," Kanan said, "but he came that way so it's not my fault either."

While Kanan was speaking, Obi-Wan turned in Rex's embrace so they were facing each other.  Rex was smiling, and Obi-Wan reached out to touch the crinkles of skin by his eye.  "I will take responsibility for your laugh lines though."

"That's your fault, is it?" Rex turned his head to press a kiss into Obi-Wan's palm.

"I've been accused of worse." The smirk was audible in Obi-Wan's voice.

Rex snorted.  "I'll bet."

Curling up against Obi-Wan's back, Kanan rested his head on Obi-Wan's shoulder and closed his eyes.  The things that haunted him were long in the past.  The present was here in this bed with the two men he loved most in this world.  The future was uncertain, but he hoped that it would only deepen the contentment of this moment.

Body relaxing, Kanan listened to his lovers' banter and soaked up the safety and contentment he felt in their presence.

**Author's Note:**

> I want to send a huge thank you to my anonymous beta! All remaining mistakes are mine.


End file.
